Monthly Archive for January, 2010

But for a nervous twitch, the Inventor sat quietly as the Gentleman slowly browsed the showroom floor, casually looking over each of the brass and steel Automech.  Occasionaly, he would stop and study one a little closer, rocking back and forth heel to toe as he puffed his large–and especially offensive–cigar.

“This one,” he said as he peered close into the glass eyes of the six foot, man-shaped figure.  “Tell me what it’s good for.”

“Ah!  That’s Champ.  Champ can do small chores around the house.  He can bring the paper in. He’ll announce visitors when you’re home, and frighten away burglars when you’re not. He’s good with children, other Automech and household pets. He’ll even feed himself coal when his boiler is cooling down.”

“That’s all?” the Gentleman said. “Says here on the card that he’s good for the wife.”

“Well,” the Inventor said with a slight blush. “He has an attachment, for the hysterical wife.”

“The hysterical wife? What sort of attachment…”

The inventor removed the attachment from the case and snapped it into place. The Gentleman’s eyes grew wide.

“Oh. I see. But what’s that larger attachment? Surely not…”

“Heavens no!” the Inventor said. “That attachment snaps into place at the wrist, for steaming dishes clean and removing wall paper.”

“Dishes and wallpaper, eh? Well, I’ll tell you what, sir. Remove fifty dollars from this price and I’ll take him!”

Two days later, the Inventor was reading the daily paper when he noticed the story about a gentleman who had somehow managed to be killed in some strange home misadventure. Apparently, he had somehow boiled his bowel and intestine from the inside out.

“Back to the drawing board,” the Inventor said.

Yes. I’m clever. And disturbed. Disturbed and clever. The Gay 90’s! Get it? And also: the thing on the Hysterical women? Sadly, the concept was believed true then… look it up. Easy to imagine a steampunk view of that. Just be careful which attachment you use.

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